I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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