i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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