im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
