She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.