I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
