I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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