I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
