When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
