im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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