I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
