You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
