Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
