Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
