i permit you to call me
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
