Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just puked most of my soul out..
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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