just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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