Kiss
Puke
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Your penis caused this!
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