drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
