Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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