chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
