I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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