How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
