the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
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officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
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He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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