i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
