the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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