Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
