I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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