the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
