I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
We're hate flirting, damnit.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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