highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
