Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
