I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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