dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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