1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
