this beer tastes like vomit already
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
