I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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