The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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