Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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