I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
