I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
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I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
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2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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