so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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