there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
