Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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