I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
