Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
