is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
