He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
