awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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