When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
