She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
