Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
