she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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