Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
