I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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